Anytime I’m in Nairobi for more than a week, I am amazed by the sense of rush that permeates the city. People are very busy and running all day long.
Rushing to prepare for the day, rushing to beat the traffic, rushing to make ends meet… There is a lot of rushing and running around, even for those with sedentary jobs!
But lately, I’ve noticed a lot of us are running races that don’t even have our names on the list.
You get to the end of the day, look at your list, and realize that very little on the list got done. Your hours were full of meetings, messages, family requests, urgent crises, and more.
You were busy the entire day and feel overwhelmed. But the things that were supposed to move your life forward are still sitting there on your list, exactly where they were at 5:00 am.
For some people, this is a sign of poor time management and a lack of prioritization. But for others, this is a load distribution issue. It’s about the invisible rucksack you’re carrying that is filled with everyone else’s stuff, and very little of yours.
You’re Busy & Overwhelmed, But Whose Emergencies Are They, Really?
When my children were younger, I ran what we jokingly called the Mummy School Bus.
Back then, I was a stay-at-home mum, living in Langata, Nairobi. My weekday commute involved dropping the kids to their school, which was off Ngong Road. It was a 90-minute trip to and from school in the morning, not because of the distance, but due to traffic.
Mummy School Bus had one non-negotiable rule: It left at 6:30 am sharp, with or without passengers.
Some days, I left without my children because they were dilly-dallying. Other days, we left without sweaters, school bags, or homework because someone hadn’t prepared the night before.
I didn’t spend the morning frantic and guilty when I left without the children. I’d go to my favourite early-bird cafe and have a cappuccino or latte as I read a novel or journalled.
I filled my own emotional well-being cup. This gave me the calm I needed to deal with the consequences later, because I hadn’t spent my time holding the bus for someone else’s lack of planning or poor time management.
Most people think this was too kali (strict) for children that age, or that it was about teaching the kids a lesson. Yes, it was about teaching them a lesson, but more importantly, it was about preserving my own capacity.
Many people are overwhelmed today because they have lost the ability to let other people experience the consequences of their own choices. If this is you, you have become the “Default Fixer” and the person everyone relies on, even when they don’t need to.
The Anatomy of the Default Fixer
You know you are a Default Fixer if:
- Your colleague misses a deadline, and you stay late to “save the project” for them.
- A family member forgets an appointment, and you spend your lunch hour sorting it out for them.
- A friend has a crisis (often a recurring one), and you drop your own deep work to be there for the fourth time this month.
- Add more examples from your own life…
You aren’t just being helpful in such cases. You’re absorbing the stress, managing the tracking, and holding the space that belongs to someone else.
There is no block in your schedule for things like “Worrying about my sister’s finances” or “Fixing my colleague’s project report.” But this work still eats up your time and energy, at the expense of your own tasks.
This creates an invisible load that doesn’t show up on your calendar or to-do list. It keeps you busy, and you end up tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed.
The Cognitive Overhead of ‘Fixing’
When you are the person who handles things and emergencies for others, your brain is constantly running background processes. You give your mind extra work because you’re supposed to do your job, and also subconsciously track the performance of those around you so you can step in when they fail.
This can also lead to decision fatigue. You’re too tired by the time you get to the work that actually matters to you, such as your work, business growth, health, and creative projects.
Your mental, emotional, and physical fuel tank is empty. You’ve used up all the fuel to ensure that other people’s buses run efficiently and on time. There is no space, time, or energy for yourself and what matters to you!
Simple Ways to Slow Down and Reprioritize
It is possible to stop the rush and move from being constantly overwhelmed to being more intentional about your days.
To do that, you need to identify which loads are yours and which ones are “passengers” you’ve picked up along the way. Then you consciously choose to drop what is not yours so that you have time for your own priorities.
Here are 3 simple strategies you can implement starting today.
1. Identify what is in your rucksack
For the next 48 hours, pause when you feel that surge of “I need to/can fix this.” Ask yourself, “Whose emergency is this?”
If it’s not yours, consider what would happen if you didn’t step in. And if it’s something you can avoid working on, decline politely and let the person handle it.
2. Enforce a timeliness rule
Set boundaries for your time and stop holding the bus for people who aren’t ready to board or are running late. If a meeting is meant to start at 10:00am, it starts at 10:00am. If you’ve committed to leaving the office at 5:00am to go to the gym, leave at 5:00am.
This one will not be easy to enforce at first, especially when you’re dealing with people who use “African time” as an excuse for tardiness. It will also require diligence if you’re the one who stands in your own way.
3. Audit your own rush
Are you working hard to meet your own goals, or are you rushing to keep someone else’s world from spinning out of control? How many times does this happen daily, weekly, or monthly? Who are the main culprits? This Audit will surprise you and help you make different choices moving forward.
Be kind to yourself and don’t give up.
It will take some time before you’re comfortable enough with the new boundaries that you set around your time, energy, and availability. You will also be working on changing your own beliefs and habits, and that too takes time.
Remember that change does not come easily, especially if you’re naturally a helper. But each time you successfully enforce your new boundary, you are moving a step closer to success.
Choose To Walk Down a Different Street
Whenever I think about breaking the cycle of being the Default Fixer, I am reminded of Portia Nelson’s poem, Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters.
CHAPTER 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
CHAPTER 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
CHAPTER 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
CHAPTER 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
CHAPTER 5
I walk down another street.
If you find yourself in the same hole of overwhelm every Friday evening, it’s time to choose a different path.
The path of self-love isn’t just about bubble baths.
It’s about having the discipline to say “No” or “I cannot carry this for you anymore.” This gives you the space and time to park your bus in the garage long enough to give it the service and fuel it deserves before you drive off.
It’s also easy to keep quiet and maintain the status quo. Unfortunately, that is the mindset and behaviour that leads to constant overwhelm and eventually burnout.
If you want a change in your life, then you must be the positive change you are seeking. And it starts with being that change for yourself before you can model it for others.
That’s my reflection for today. What’s your take?
Does the invisible load feel like a permanent resident in your life, or are you ready to walk down a different street?
Let me know in the Comments.
(Images by New Dawn Coaching)
Need Help Reclaiming Your Time, Energy, and Focus?
Decluttering your schedule and strengthening your boundaries is exactly what we tackle in the 28 Days of Loving Yourself Challenge.
- In Week 1, we declutter and create physical, digital, and mental space.
- In Week 2, we dive into the internal work, such as your self-talk, the “Superwoman” identity, and the boundaries required to sustain your growth.
- Week 3 is pivotal as you learn how passion, energy, and commitment relate to one another.
- And in Week 4, we tie it all together so that you maintain focus on your self-care and overall growth beyond the Challenge.
You don’t have to manage this shift alone.
Click here to find out more and join the next cohort.
⚠️ Health Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or professional health advice. Please consult with a qualified professional before making significant changes to your lifestyle, wellness, or mental health routine.
(Image Credit: New Dawn Coaching)
