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I had the flu a few weeks ago, but I still tried to push through and work when I should have been resting.

It started with a tickle at the back of my throat during a coaching session on Wednesday. By Thursday afternoon, it had escalated into a full-blown flu. I remember thinking, “Oh shucks, I can’t get sick now. I have so much going on!”

So I pushed.

I spent Friday working in brief windows between bouts of exhaustion, trying to downplay how bad I actually felt. Eventually, I was forced to face reality. I messaged my clients to let them know their session notes would be delayed until the weekend because I was unwell.

Their responses were almost identical: “Rest. I can wait.”

But the perfectionist in me refused to let them wait. I dragged myself out of bed to attend a book club on Saturday morning, crawled back into bed to sleep, and then woke up Saturday evening to send those client notes. 

It took resting on Sunday and Monday to finally get back on my feet.

On Tuesday morning, as I sat down at my desk, I reflected and wondered:
What made me push so hard when I knew I didn’t have to?

My work includes helping women stop, pause, and listen when their bodies demand it. Yet here I was, doing the exact opposite.

We all know the danger of pushing when we’re unwell because it only delays our recovery. And yet, so many of us do it anyway. We do it when we are physically sick, and also when we are experiencing downturns in other areas of our lives.

I have yet to meet a successful woman who does not feel the compulsion to show up perfectly polished, even when she is quietly falling apart. If that sounds familiar, this post is for you.

The Brave Face Nobody Asked For

About a month before that flu episode, I sat down to publish a blog post I had spent a week drafting and polishing.

It ticked every professional box, but as I read it through one last time, it didn’t sound like me. It sounded like the corporate, employed version of myself, the one I left behind when I quit my job in 2007.

This was a version of me that:

• Needed external titles and accolades to feel legitimate.
• Knew exactly how a woman in her position should look: authoritative, strategic, and completely in control.
• Was mastering how to position herself locally and internationally.

I realised this mask had quietly crept back as I became more confident on LinkedIn, a platform I had avoided for years. The mask didn’t return because I was active on LinkedIn. It came back as I tried to fit into what I thought was required of me on the platform. 

In trying to build a professional presence, I had spent two years subconsciously polishing myself up to match an imagined corporate standard. It worked, but in working, it revived the very armour I had spent nearly two decades shedding.

And this is true of all masks, not just professional ones. They don’t go away permanently, no matter how hard you have worked on them. 

The mind is protective, and it quietly reaches for old emotional armour when it senses a threat. Some common threats in the work environment include entering a new environment, feeling pressure to perform in a certain way, comparing yourself to others, or when experiencing imposter syndrome. 

Even growth can feel like a threat to your system, a phenomenon Gay Hendricks calls the Upper Limit Problem. Hitting your upper limit can prompt your mind to bring back the habits that once kept you safe.

That Monday, the mask cracked for me.

For months, I had ignored the warning signs, like a driver ignoring a strange knocking noise in the engine. But that morning, I refused to drive any further in a version of myself that wasn’t real.

I was no longer able to put up that brave face, and I was unable to publish that blog post. 

The 5 Hidden Costs: What You Lose to the “Brave Face”

The brave face is a quiet defence mechanism. It creates a version of you that looks right, sounds right, and appears fully in control. 

However, keeping it on costs you internally and externally. And, unfortunately, most people won’t notice its weight and impact until the day it cracks.

In my work coaching women, I have identified five hidden costs we pay when we stop being authentic. I call them taxes because they are financial or energetic costs, and they also represent the gradual loss of our true selves.

Here is what you lose when you pay these five taxes of success.

In a recent webinar, a participant described her experience with the Mask Tax perfectly: “I have so many masks I don’t even know which one I am wearing anymore. I need to have a meeting with myself to figure out who I am.” 

Another participant shared how her mask of unshakeable composure created a painful barrier: “I come across as so put-together that people find it hard to relate to me. It keeps them at a distance.”

She said it matter-of-factly, but everyone went quiet because this is one of the most painful hidden costs of the armour. While the brave face keeps you safe from exposure, it simultaneously locks you out of the genuine connection, empathy, and support you actually need to heal.

The Brave Face protects you from being seen, but it also prevents you from being loved and supported.

The Invisible Strain on Mothers

The price of the brave face is incredibly high for mothers. If you are balancing a career while raising children, you have likely made a silent commitment to yourself to never let the seams show.

You show up to work polished and capable, coordinate your household, and keep your fatigue hidden.

But behind closed doors, you are:

• Running on adrenaline, caffeine, and three hours of sleep.
• Living with a quiet, constant terror of falling behind.
• Trapped in a loop of guilt: feeling guilty for working when you are with your family, and guilty for parenting when you are at work.

Mothers don’t need statistics to tell them they are exhausted. But the brave face forces you to look at a concerned friend and lie: “I’m managing fine.” 

Admitting you are struggling can feel unsafe in a world that rewards performance over presence.

Unfortunately, pretending to have it all is a debt that eventually comes due.

Reclaiming Authenticity Starts Small

Taking off a mask isn’t a dramatic event that happens overnight. It is also incredibly difficult to do in high-stakes environments where vulnerability is mischaracterised as weakness.

The secret is to start small by loosening the masks that are already chafing. Lift them slightly in a safe space first: with a trusted friend or sibling, in a community of like-minded women, or with a therapist or coach.

If you are running on empty, reclaiming your authenticity might look like:

• Telling the truth: Admitting to one trusted person exactly how exhausted you are.
• Micro-rest: Setting aside 15 minutes in the evening to unwind, making your own self-care a priority.
• Delegating tasks: Let go of the Solo Act. Hire occasional help, delegate chores to your children to teach them responsibility, or restructure responsibilities with your partner.
• Firm boundaries: Protecting your evenings and weekends from late-night emails and workplace demands.

These are not grand, sweeping changes. They are small, courageous unmaskings that lead to more of mind when practised over time.

When you stop spending all your energy holding up a mask, that energy flows back into your life. You reclaim the bandwidth to laugh deeply, sleep soundly, and experience nourishing connections where you are loved for who you are, rather than admired for what you can do or handle.

It’s not going to be easy, especially if you’ve worn the brave face for a long time. But it gets easier with consistency and time. 

It has taken me years to get here. I’ve done it through conversations with family and friends, discussions in my book club, being coached, and hosting my coaching programs. Each small release made it a little easier to breathe.

Yet, even with years of practice, the journey isn’t perfectly linear, and a mask I thought I was done with crept back many years later! 

So don’t be afraid when a mask occasionally slips back on. That is not a failure; it’s simply part of being human.

Also, the goal is not to reach some perfect, flawless state of being. It’s to build a daily practice of awareness that becomes a warning system which alerts you when you start hiding behind the armour again.

The Authenticity Beneath the Mask

I did not write this post from a pedestal of having it all figured out. In fact, writing and publishing this very piece is me actively taking off a mask in public. 

I wrote it as a woman who caught herself pushing through the flu, sending late-night emails when she should have been sleeping, and saying “I’m fine” when she wasn’t.

If you’ve read this far and thought, “I’m not ready for that,” that is okay. Having this information is enough for now. That is more than most people know. 

If you read this and think, “I know exactly which mask, but I don’t think I can release it yet,” that is okay too. Simply recognising it is a step forward.

But if you are ready to identify which masks are holding you back and begin setting them down, I invite you to take the next step.

Here are 3 ways I can help you:

1. Join the Beyond the Brave Face Webinar

This is a live, 90-minute strategy session for the woman who has achieved success but wants her peace back.

In this virtual workshop, we’ll examine the 5 Hidden Taxes of Success together so you can pinpoint which ones are draining your energy. Think of it as a master diagnostic session or an intimate, honest conversation in a room with other women who are also ready to unmask.

I host this webinar three times a year. It serves as your introductory doorway to the foundational self-care work we do in my deeper signature program, the 28 Days of Loving Yourself Challenge.

Sign up for my email newsletter and get updates about the webinar.

2. Step into the 28 Days of Loving Yourself Challenge (28DC)

28DC is a supportive step-by-step self-care and self-love program that I host 3x a year in February, July, and November. This is for you if you’re ready to do the foundational self-care work required to help you safely start removing the armour and prioritise your well-being. 

Click here to find out more and join the next 28DC cohort

3. Book a 1-1 Clarity Session

For the woman who wants immediate, personalised support. In this private coaching session, we will look directly at your unique situation, identify the masks that are weighing you down, and map out a gentle strategy to reclaim your peace. Click here to book your 1-1 session with me

Over to You…

What mask have you been wearing that is starting to feel too heavy? If you’ve successfully taken one (or more) off in the past, what shifted for you when you did? Let’s talk in the comments below.

(Images by New Dawn Coaching)